Thursday, December 19, 2002

 
So i figured I should write in this because i haven't since i left school. I know no one can read this bc its not in my profile bc im not on my puter... sorry but as soon as it is u can all read this again...for now this is for me.... i am a mess of emotions now. i am not having a lot of fun here in cleveland. I miss my friends from school. all the people i hung out with every night. i miss julie L, i miss kelly, i miss julie w, i miss curtiss i miss the brothers of phi kaps, i miss my roomate and our pointless convos, i miss everyone from cinci. on a lighter note i am glad to be e checkin in westlake again. it is night and day different from cincinnati. i love e checkin with some of my old crew. i do miss the whole old crew tho bc they have all gone ther seperate ways. a few of them i doubt i will ever see again, whether its bc they joined the service or they just flat out moved away without telling us. that makes me VERY sad. i saw jess over break. she is still so knockout gorgeous that it makes me smile just to see her. she is so beautiful and so sweet i just love hanging out with her and bullshitting. i am happy that her and Ken are currently in the search for a rock. ive never met two people that deserved each other so much, even tho id still like to give it to her ;-) .but im still a huge mess of emotions. i dont love any girls but i like a lot of em. theres at least like 9-12 girls i would love to get together with. the only thing is that im not sure i am capable of love. i used to be. i sat in my room the other day and read a card from someone (EB) from junior yr in highschool. i couldnt believe it. the way she spoke of me..... of us, made me wonder what the hell has happened to me. I must be the worst person in the world right now. i used to be such a sweet loving caring person. i used to find someone i wanted to be with, love them and love them with all my heart. not i cant even decide what i want to have for dinner let alone choose someone to be with. in reading that letter i wish i could turn back the hands of time. erase the hurt. be with her again. when life was perfect....... when i thought i knew who i would spend the rest of my life with, when i knew who i was and what i wanted to do. who i wanted to be with...... the days when i could unconditionally love someone without thinking, "is there something better out there?" I am a horrible horrible person. i need to find someone like her again, and find that person in me again so that i can be happy. i dont ever remember being sad when i was with her. that kind of unconditional love and happiness is what i need to find. I AM HORRIBLE!

The highlight of my week so far besides work has been talking to EH. She has been my saving grace for the last few days. i git excited every time i talk to her. it is so great to have a friend like her to sit there and listen to me rant and rave and go nuts. she is so beautiful and sweet and i am so lucky to have a friend in her after all that has happened.... thank you erin you'll never know how much you mean to me.

The Old Man posted this at 8:43 PM.