Saturday, November 01, 2003

 
Music: None listening to the party outside
Mood: Alive
I always wondered if it was possible to want to strangle someone and give them the biggest hug at the same time. The shitty thing about caring about someone is that they know what buttons to push. They are "shit disturbers" for lack of a better term. Why does someone who knows exactly how to hurt you the most have to be the one you care about the most. Also why do they have to push those buttons on a regular basis. Im sure Im probably guilty of it also, being that i know ive done it on purpose before, but i try not to. I seriously think there are some people in my life whose pure mission is to make me love them and make me be pissed at them at the same time. I dont even know what to do. I guess it is something i will figure out in time........ Also i wonder if i will ever be good enough or be able to do nice things for someone...... It always seems that i cant do things right..... I quit
The Old Man posted this at 10:18 PM.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

 
Music: P.I.M.P - 50 cent
Mood: Lethargic
As I sit in the dark with a candle to light my life I think...... I am doin much better in school then I have ever done before. No need to lie to myself this quarter. I am doing fairly well in school. This is my quarter, I own it. I just need to keep applying myself, maybe even dig for that little bit extra. I think i can find it. It has been hiding from me for three whole years.
Work sucks, i just found out today that they fired one of my best friends from work for some shady shit. I mean how the fuck can u sleep at night knowing that you termed someone for a policy that doesnt exist!!!! Besides school my mission is now to see this company come to its knees.. I dont know who the fuck they think they are or what they think theyre doing but we will fix it... and we will fix it fast....
As for the fam, I miss my parentals like none other. It seems like i never can find time to just go home and relax and enjoy myself. The few times i have been able to i go home and then i git into it with them bc no matter how ward i try to relax i cant. Im a hyperactive person for the most part and when i cant do things the way i want to, we git into it. i am looking forward to seeing everyone at thanksgiving and christmas tho. To anyone who reads this please say a prayer for my uncle he lost his second wife in 11 years last week to suicide. Its a real sad story. He lost his first wife to cancer a long time ago and now he has to deal with a wife that was just mentally ill (manic depressive) to the point that she could not deal with life anymore. It is sad. If anyone ever goes through this i only have one thing to say. Keep fighting the good fight. Closure will come when it is supposed to, not when any person thinks it is time. There is so much to live for, so many great reasons to go on..... and most of the time we overlook them in our busy oh so important lives.... Family, is the most amazing thing in the world.... I realized that when i was drunk and crying on the phone to my mother the day i found out about my aunt........
We all have demons that we will carry to the grave.... everyone has their own, and they are all unique, but we must learn to embrace these as who we are and realize that we are all awesome people loved by many especially that big guy up stairs who wouldnt put any more on our plate than he thought we could handle....... so in the words of tech 9 "I'm gonna keep on keepin on....." and I suggest you all do the same because someone loves you somewhere. And an amazing person once told me, always smile because you never know who is falling in love with your smile right then......

KEEP ON FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Old Man posted this at 7:43 PM.